Back when I used to work at QVC, we ran a programme called the QVC Difference. Essentially a 2 day residential course aimed at increasing your self-awareness, and focusing on how understand others better. Part of the course focused on the Serenity Prayer which came to mind yesterday, and thought I'd share it with you.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world As it is, not as I would have it; Trusting that You will make all things right If I surrender to Your Will; So that I may be reasonably happy in this life And supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen."
Read into the prayer what you will, but for me, there are a few strong messages.
The serenity to accept the things I cannot change. If only this was easier to do. I can accept there are things I cannot change. But with serenity? Few can do that, and do it well. I used to have serenity in abundance in my college days, but something happened along the way which slowly beat it out of me.
Courage to change the things I can. I'm all about change. It's my job for crying out loud! And to do so with courage, that's a continuing journey I find myself facing. I have some very supportive and amazing people around me - both online and offline. I can change - if I want to - because I know I need support in order to do so.
Enjoying one moment at a time. There are daily stories about sudden life changes we never expect to happen. For this, and this alone, I am constantly grateful for this life I have, and never take it for granted. I kiss my wife, and my kids every morning without fail before I leave the house as I never know what will happen when I walk out that door.
Trusting that You will make all things right. Faith is a difficult one to sound-bite, so I shan't. I have faith, and sometimes I have to hold on to it for dear life.
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life. I am. Around me I see all manner of wonderful, difficult, harsh, joyous, sad events. And I wonder - am I happy with where I am right now? Yes. Yes, I am.
I don't think the Serenity Prayer resonates only if you are Christian, or only if you practise a religion, the message is a good one, and for this reason, I hope it resonates with you.
Showing posts with label self awareness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self awareness. Show all posts
Wednesday, 9 February 2011
Friday, 15 January 2010
Do a personal inventory
I often end up thinking about what those close to me say to me. This ends up being an interesting exercise where I have whole conversations in my head. Joe: "You're a twat." Me: "Where did that come from? Have I not been a good friend? Have I not been trying? Why are you accusing me of such things?" Joe: "Because you are." Me: "Bastard. He has no idea of what's going on in my life. If only I told him that'd set him right the self righteous double standards prick.".
And then I remember what many people have said to me over the years which forces me to reconsider my position - actions speak louder than words. Fuck me (please excuse the language) the amount of times this has come true. And what it reminds me most about is how each of the important people in my life need something different from me. That's not as exhausting as it sounds. But it's often just the first step which is difficult. After that you remember what you're meant to do and you just do it.
So where does this take me? On a fucking crazy journey of self awareness. By God, do I hate doing this. Having to listen to what (important) others are saying to me? Not even about me but to me. I am great and wonderful, why are you telling me anything else? Oh, 'cos I'm being a cock. Well first, fuck you (I really am trying not to but it serves its purpose). Second, and only after I've had time to really let it sink in, maybe, just maybe you're right. And next? Right, of course I have to act. Bollocks. Less talking, more action.
See, my problem is I love to talk! I was always taught talking through solves everything. I always knew doing was just as important but I didn't like that bit. Because that means you have to admit you were wrong. On many occasions I have had to take stock of what I was not doing. When I was re-sitting my 'A' levels and my head of year and tutor had to sit me down with my mother to make me understand how just being nice wasn't enough to pass my exams. Boy did that ever register. Or when I told Jim and Joe I thought doing a degree was the wrong choice for me and they told me to shut up and stick with it. Seriously thankful for that. Or when Mrs P told me to stop being so abrasive with certain people. I didn't want to but she was right.
When you're forced to take stock of these things in your life, you have to act. It's the only thing that shows those important to you that you've heard what they're telling you. If you don't you're just being a cock. I don't like being a cock. Worse, I don't like being a conscious cock. You know. When you know you should be acting differently but you don't. 'Cos you're being a cock for no reason.
So my learning is this. I'll always reform. But I'll always need to be told to stop being a cock. But when I do reform I live a far better life. I feel that I am growing. I go all fuzzy inside knowing I'm doing the right thing. I like knowing that those important to me are feeling valued by me. I then have no doubt that I'm doing the right thing.
And then I remember what many people have said to me over the years which forces me to reconsider my position - actions speak louder than words. Fuck me (please excuse the language) the amount of times this has come true. And what it reminds me most about is how each of the important people in my life need something different from me. That's not as exhausting as it sounds. But it's often just the first step which is difficult. After that you remember what you're meant to do and you just do it.
So where does this take me? On a fucking crazy journey of self awareness. By God, do I hate doing this. Having to listen to what (important) others are saying to me? Not even about me but to me. I am great and wonderful, why are you telling me anything else? Oh, 'cos I'm being a cock. Well first, fuck you (I really am trying not to but it serves its purpose). Second, and only after I've had time to really let it sink in, maybe, just maybe you're right. And next? Right, of course I have to act. Bollocks. Less talking, more action.
See, my problem is I love to talk! I was always taught talking through solves everything. I always knew doing was just as important but I didn't like that bit. Because that means you have to admit you were wrong. On many occasions I have had to take stock of what I was not doing. When I was re-sitting my 'A' levels and my head of year and tutor had to sit me down with my mother to make me understand how just being nice wasn't enough to pass my exams. Boy did that ever register. Or when I told Jim and Joe I thought doing a degree was the wrong choice for me and they told me to shut up and stick with it. Seriously thankful for that. Or when Mrs P told me to stop being so abrasive with certain people. I didn't want to but she was right.
When you're forced to take stock of these things in your life, you have to act. It's the only thing that shows those important to you that you've heard what they're telling you. If you don't you're just being a cock. I don't like being a cock. Worse, I don't like being a conscious cock. You know. When you know you should be acting differently but you don't. 'Cos you're being a cock for no reason.
So my learning is this. I'll always reform. But I'll always need to be told to stop being a cock. But when I do reform I live a far better life. I feel that I am growing. I go all fuzzy inside knowing I'm doing the right thing. I like knowing that those important to me are feeling valued by me. I then have no doubt that I'm doing the right thing.
Tuesday, 5 January 2010
Sack the self deluded manager
I have been reminded today of the importance of being clear and direct in how you communicate with your staff. But more importantly I have been reminded of how a self deluded manager can be such a bad thing for any business. You know who I mean. The manager that thinks they're shit hot when they're just shit. Oh Lord, give me strength.
So the situation goes something like this:
Manager "I don't think Bob is working out."
Me "What feedback has he had?"
Manager "Oh I've spoken with him and he understands he needs to improve his performance"
Me "Are you confident he is clear about exactly what he has to do to improve?"
Manager "Absolutely"
4 weeks later.
Manager "Bob definitely isn't working out."
Me "Ok let me talk to Bob."
Me "Bob did you know that you're not performing according to your manager's expectations?"
Bob "Kind of."
Me "Are you clear about what you need to do to improve?"
Bob "No."
Who would I fire of the two? No surprises for guessing it would be the manager. Why though? Because the manager was self deluded. He thought that he was being clear by giving Bob messages like "we've had feedback that you aren't being enough of a leader" but not giving Bob any further information about how to be a leader. Or messages like "we need to put you on a development plan" with little explanation of why and even less explanation of how to improve. Or messages like "You have great technical skills but you need to work on your people skills" with zero guidance on how to develop those all important people skills.
As a manager one of the key responsibilities you have is to be clear in no uncertain terms about your expectations of your team. If they're not performing and you have clear evidence to support your judgement the conversation needs to be as pointed as saying "Bob I've had feedback you aren't being enough of a leader. And here's how I'm going to help. Here's a plan we will work on together to help you improve. It is important you are able to do this otherwise I will have to consider putting you on a development plan or worse disciplining you."
You have to have those conversations. You're not a manager to make friends. You're a manager to (drum roll) manage. You have to manage workloads, staff, departments, budgets, plans, deliverables, blah, blah, blah. And if you're not having those conversations because you're self deluded you deserve to be let go sooner than Bob or any other member of your team you think aren't performing.
So the situation goes something like this:
Manager "I don't think Bob is working out."
Me "What feedback has he had?"
Manager "Oh I've spoken with him and he understands he needs to improve his performance"
Me "Are you confident he is clear about exactly what he has to do to improve?"
Manager "Absolutely"
4 weeks later.
Manager "Bob definitely isn't working out."
Me "Ok let me talk to Bob."
Me "Bob did you know that you're not performing according to your manager's expectations?"
Bob "Kind of."
Me "Are you clear about what you need to do to improve?"
Bob "No."
Who would I fire of the two? No surprises for guessing it would be the manager. Why though? Because the manager was self deluded. He thought that he was being clear by giving Bob messages like "we've had feedback that you aren't being enough of a leader" but not giving Bob any further information about how to be a leader. Or messages like "we need to put you on a development plan" with little explanation of why and even less explanation of how to improve. Or messages like "You have great technical skills but you need to work on your people skills" with zero guidance on how to develop those all important people skills.
As a manager one of the key responsibilities you have is to be clear in no uncertain terms about your expectations of your team. If they're not performing and you have clear evidence to support your judgement the conversation needs to be as pointed as saying "Bob I've had feedback you aren't being enough of a leader. And here's how I'm going to help. Here's a plan we will work on together to help you improve. It is important you are able to do this otherwise I will have to consider putting you on a development plan or worse disciplining you."
You have to have those conversations. You're not a manager to make friends. You're a manager to (drum roll) manage. You have to manage workloads, staff, departments, budgets, plans, deliverables, blah, blah, blah. And if you're not having those conversations because you're self deluded you deserve to be let go sooner than Bob or any other member of your team you think aren't performing.
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
I'm self-aware. Am I?
Oh that elusive ideal of self-realisation. What is that meant to achieve? Why do I need to be self-aware? Who does it benefit? How does it change anything in the future? Surely we should just respect that we each have different points of view and that's all we need to do? And how do I become self-aware?
Consider this. You are learning how to ride a bike. Your dad tells you how to improve. What you're doing wrong, how to balance, hold the handlebars and press the brakes. At school you're learning how to do addition. The teacher helps you understand why you're not getting the right answer. You try again and wait for a response. At university you hand in the first draft of your dissertation. You're waiting to find out if you're on the right path. Each of these situations has one thing in common. You are seeking and waiting for someone to give you feedback.
Why is it then that once you enter adult life and the world of work that you stop to solicit feedback? Not in terms of being able to do the job. Of course you want to know if you are producing work which is of the required standard. But just as important why are you not trying to understand if you are behaving in the desired fashion? Is this an aspect of the job role which is not important?
Some companies insist on 360 feedback surveys for their staff. But that's not the same. You can dismiss them easily as not being truthful or the respondents not being the right people. But if you manage someone you have the responsibility of making them aware of how they are behaving.
But why do it? Because in life if you want to succeed you have to know how you are perceived, and thereby how you have to improve. I firmly believe in positive psychology and the benefits it can bring. Keeping in mind some prinicples from that school of thought you can achieve amazing things:
- Reverse the focus from negative to positive
- Develop a language of strength
- Balance the positive and negative
- Build strategies that foster hope
If you want this to be a successful strategy you have to be soliciting feedback from the right people. People who are not willing to be nice because of misplaced politics. People who are genuinely interested in seeing you develop and mature. In that respect I'm lucky I have Mrs P, Jim and Joe. Those 3 individuals are my harshest critics and best friends. I can guarantee if I'm doing something wrong I will feel the force of their venom and it will be true. I can't escape from that. It forces me to act. It forces me to evaluate what I am doing and why I am doing it. I am forced to raise my self-awareness or risk remaining unaware.
Question yourself viciously. Seek feedback from those not afraid to give it. Be adult enough to deal with it. And be bold enough to admit you may not be self aware enough.
Consider this. You are learning how to ride a bike. Your dad tells you how to improve. What you're doing wrong, how to balance, hold the handlebars and press the brakes. At school you're learning how to do addition. The teacher helps you understand why you're not getting the right answer. You try again and wait for a response. At university you hand in the first draft of your dissertation. You're waiting to find out if you're on the right path. Each of these situations has one thing in common. You are seeking and waiting for someone to give you feedback.
Why is it then that once you enter adult life and the world of work that you stop to solicit feedback? Not in terms of being able to do the job. Of course you want to know if you are producing work which is of the required standard. But just as important why are you not trying to understand if you are behaving in the desired fashion? Is this an aspect of the job role which is not important?
Some companies insist on 360 feedback surveys for their staff. But that's not the same. You can dismiss them easily as not being truthful or the respondents not being the right people. But if you manage someone you have the responsibility of making them aware of how they are behaving.
But why do it? Because in life if you want to succeed you have to know how you are perceived, and thereby how you have to improve. I firmly believe in positive psychology and the benefits it can bring. Keeping in mind some prinicples from that school of thought you can achieve amazing things:
- Reverse the focus from negative to positive
- Develop a language of strength
- Balance the positive and negative
- Build strategies that foster hope
If you want this to be a successful strategy you have to be soliciting feedback from the right people. People who are not willing to be nice because of misplaced politics. People who are genuinely interested in seeing you develop and mature. In that respect I'm lucky I have Mrs P, Jim and Joe. Those 3 individuals are my harshest critics and best friends. I can guarantee if I'm doing something wrong I will feel the force of their venom and it will be true. I can't escape from that. It forces me to act. It forces me to evaluate what I am doing and why I am doing it. I am forced to raise my self-awareness or risk remaining unaware.
Question yourself viciously. Seek feedback from those not afraid to give it. Be adult enough to deal with it. And be bold enough to admit you may not be self aware enough.
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